Just Two Things for Now

Two things today:

1. Pizza places with jumbo slices are scamming me. It used to be that pizza cost 1.00 to 1.50 a slice. Hell it still costs that much if you buy the whole pie. Nowadays a lot of places have slices that start at 3.00 for cheese and god knows how much extra for toppings.
Nobody complains because the slices are huge. Nobody until today. Today I complain because I can see though this bullshit. They are charging twice as much money for twice as much pizza. "What's the problem", you may ask. The problem is that I don't what twice the pizza, I end up throwing half of it out. The above pictured Unicorn is having the same feelings as me and is giving the establishment the hoof.

2. Nalgenes

This is a bit of a Mix because Nalgenes do have some good qualities. They are really hard to break and they hold a liter of water which is nice on a day where you would drink more then half a liter of water. But I think the company got caught up in its product's unbreakableness and forgot to test its drinkability.
Here's a fun scenario: Your on a road trip though Death Vally and your thirsty so you crack open a Nalgene full of water and attempt to take a sip. Guess how much of the sip ends up on your shirt. If you guessed 'a good amount' then your right.
There are two design flaws that work together to allow this to happen so easily. The most important is the fact that Nalgenes have a huge diameter hole to drink though. Your standard nipple style water bottle has a hole that's less than a centimeter in diameter, your standard nipple even less. There is no reason that a water bottle should be so big as to not allow your lips to envelop the whole thing. Because of that an unexpected water that comes rushing to the top goes all over your front.
Which brings us to our second design flaw. The problem with having the bottle narrow only slightly is that there is now a lot more water at the front of the bottle then there would be if it was just a cylinder. The upshot of this is that the slightest bump or miscalculation will send water cascading down your shirt.

Think I'm crazy? Not persuaded by my arguments? Than check this out: splashguard. This is third-party product designed to help you drink from a Nalgene. I have actually seen people use this.
Here's the thing: If you have a product that has one sole purpose, and to do that you need your customers to buy a third-party add on, your product is probably not designed to well.

P.S. You'll never guess how much lunch went today.

My Discombobulation

Holy shit.
I just went though the most sexual-discombobulating five minutes of my life since that time in the sixth grade when Tiffany asked me if I was gay. My brother comes home and asks me if like the band MGMT. Not recognizing the name I shrugged so he put on their song 'Kids'. Recognizing it I shrugged, “Yeah its pretty good”. I guess he doesn't own the track though cause he was playing their music video off of Youtube. I got to watching it and one of their vocalists is incredibly attractive. When you see a girl like this you just want to stare at her face for hours but your usually at the waiting room in the dentist's or she is unreasonably far from the center of attention in a group so its awkward. Luckily she is on Youtube and my brother wandered off.
In the video her face is clown white with black accents and her lips over enunciate each word, probably do to lip-syncing, but still in a supremely enticing manner. I watch the video 3 times, but it doesn't focus on her at all and I only rated the song “pretty good” with a shrug so I need another fix. No doubt the face pant and enunciating were doing a lot for me but I was willing to look elsewhere for this girl. I google the band, my only lead (man, I should be a P.I.), but am thwarted by its two man all male ensemble, weird. I do some more research, watch some of their other videos, but can't find a trace of this girl.
Suddenly, from the unfathomable reaches of the depths of my mind sprang a thought. An idea; a realization. A realization that any P.I. would have had milliseconds from now. There is no girl. There are two guys in the band, two guys in every one of their music videos, and two guys in this music video. Fuck. In my amouration I had mistook an extremely effeminate guy with his face masked with face paint and his voice masked with lyrical distortions for the future Mrs. Tilley. But its ok right? I realize my mistake, this doesn't change anything about me. Its not like it moved or anything. I am uncentered by what happened. Let me be clear: I'v been around the internet. I understand that 'chicks with dicks' is more then just a clever oxymoron, and I saw that picture of a vagina that's actually some dudes arm pit. I'v cleared my history more than once. But this is the first time I have ever yearned for someone with genitalia so similar to my own. Still I am confused, but I can see one thing clearly: there is only one way to find out. With a stereotypical shaking hand and sweat profused brow I click the play button for the forth time but with the first inignorant purpose.
At first nothing is settled. Whenever I look at him for his manly features I feel nothing, but the second I let down my guard I fall back into my stupor of ignorant bliss. Lost, I look up from the video. I need something to clear my mind. I noticed an 'about the video' link in the description box. Click > Fucking USC student Abby Fuller (chick) performed in her own self made unofficial version for some class project and now the thing is popular on youtube. Jesus Christ Abby, you just put me though the biggest sexual mind fuck that I can remember having ever. [note that the phrase 'sexual mind fuck' does not connotate sex. Weird] If we ever meet in person, we will be enemies.



One percent of non-proper-nouns failed the spell check in this post. The English language is so conservative. Chill out English.

This is What I look Like

Today I realized that ever since my blog manager gave me the fancy 't' character found at the beginning of this sentence I have not had the occasion start a blog post with any other letter. When I tried to I realized I had no idea how to so I guess I'm sticking with 't' for a while.

I have been growning a billygoat beard for several months now so this is what I look like now. I estimate it to be 6 inches in length and plan to shave it off and preserve it Lenin style when it gets to be over a foot. This way if I ever want it back I can adhere it and have more of a claim that it's not fake then most people with adhered beards.

Happy 48th Birthday Mom!

Tomorrow we are celebrating my mom's 48th Birthday, which is actually on Saturday. However I can't rob those of you that check my blog on the daily another day. Because I wanted to give this to her in person I drew it coloring book style and printed it out.

It pictures Sammy the Unicorn presenting a present; a framed picture of Dr. Oz captured during one of his more sexy moments.

If my loyal readers have not noticed, in addition to software and talent, I haven't invested much hardware into this operation either. So this is another (color) picture printed in black and white, drawn in with crayon, and uploaded with the camera portion of my camera/phone. It's the thought that counts.

So happy birthday mother! All my friends from school are really jealous of me because I have the mom that buys her son cool t-shirts. (btw I'm sure all your mothers are jealous of my mom because her son has the coolest blog-birthday-shout-out)

Inspirit

So I went back to the birthplace of the Onehorn this past weekend. I expected a quiet weekend that I could draw inspiration from. Unfortunately for that notion Nathan, Ben Brown, Rachael, Cody, and a Keg of Pabst Blue Ribbon were also spending the night. It turns out that a tattoo of a Unicorn on my lower left hip is way cooler then inspiration anyways.

It also turns out that Thursdays and Sundays are better days for updates so I'm changing that as well.

Back Be Business Baby

The original title of this post was going to be 'Back in Business' but I couldn't help going with the alliteration thing on Wednesdays.

The shebang here is that my blog is back in business. To commemorate this event my blog manager commissioned 10 unique and highly collectible business cards. While she is responsible for everything else, I, being the creative one for the first time in our long and sordid relationship, created the Unicorn on the left and the beeswax (covering up my phone number) is also of my doing (and not on the actual card). Though the original art was in color we only have a black and white printer at my house so I had to color the Unicorn in with crayon.

This Unicorns name is Stampy McAwesome because everywhere he walks he stamps the earth with the word 'AWESOME'. I felt he fit the mood of this blog well enough to feature him prominently to all my future business partners.

An astute reader might notice that the subtitle which originally said 'Updated every Monday, Wednesday, & Friday', which changed about two weeks ago to 'Updated Every Two Months' in a thinly veiled attempt to hide my tardiness now reads 'Updated Every Tuesday & Friday'. I mean to keep to schedule this time, so to gain some credibility for my readers I will promise, on pain of lack of credibility, to hand draw any reader who calls me out on missing a deadline a Unicorn scene of their description. Calling outs must be submitted in email.

Also for those of you who would be tempted to point out that today is a Wednesday, I would respond, "I also update it whenever the fuck I want."

Enjoy

An Objectionable Birthday

Blueberry (arms pictured) is presenting Aylward with the plastic dog turd of Unicornia, a party hat. Unfortunately Blueberry's joke does not go over at all and contributes to Aylward having the worst birthday in over a century.

The banner is being held up by trees. (not pictured)

An astute reader might notice that this blog is now diggable. How this works is if you click on that square it takes you to Digg.com where you can upvote my story so that others may happen upon this blog and click my adds.
You can not yet upvote this blog on reddit, but that's ok because they are probably too busy being atheists SO HARD.
Which is good because unicorns encourage that sort of behavior. Not that they are atheists them selves, but because they have never forgiven God since their last encounter 4,357 years ago.

Red Scare

This is one of the earliest unicorns I drew, on the Road to Georgia 2009. The knees look a bit sloppy, I know, but I was in a van with a trackpad so I view it as a victory.

This unicorn is rather upset that the Nightmare killed his friend, Daryl (previous post) and vows revenge.

Later, eating Kristyn's babies becomes the third most popular past time in Unicornia, behind Rainbow Frisbee and frolicking.

The Nightmare

This is the Nightmare from the other post that has been terrorizing Unicornia; a formidable opponent to be sure.
Much like Voldemort avoided Dumbledore during his ascent, the Nightmare has never confronted the rainbow unicorn, though in an entirely different way.
The beast on top of the Nightmare is called Kristyn, and the fear of the rainbow unicorn is primarily hers.

I drew this using a combination of oil on canvas and MS Paint

In Actuality, I love Colleen the Most

Pictured are two unicorns fighting over who loves Colleen more. Colleen is my blog manager and the unicorns have just loved her since day one.

Some may consider this blog post published late, including the aforementioned, but I don't because this is still Monday and I only meant to publish on Monday. It would be unreasonable to ask me to publish at the same time every publishing day because its not an automated process and sometimes during the first minute of a day I am a sleep or away from my computer.

A Nightmare

Rainbow unicorn addresses the crowd of unicorns (not pictured) that have come to marvel at the burning corpse.
There has not been a unicorn murder for as long as anyone can remember, and Old Blue was a wise and well respected member of the unicorn community.
This tragedy has sent the community reeling; if the perpetrator is not found the unicorns will surely be killed off one by one.
Already the rainbow unicorn has noticed several clues... most unwelcome clues.

The Unicorn: A Spectacle of Nature

So this is a rough sketch I drew of a unicorn. I am including it here in case any of my readers are unclear exactly what a unicorn is. An astute reader may notice that two crucial aspects of unicorn biology are excluded from this diagram. From what I can conclude due the the lack of competing unicorn themed blogs, these are trade secrets known to a select few.

I'll be damned if I'm the one to out the holy grail of the unicorn universe.

(click on the image for a larger picture)

Imposter!

In Unicornia horses do exist and they are very jealous of the unicorns; to the point that sometimes they try to dress up as unicorns and play with them.
The unicorns don't stand for this.

Because unicorns are every color of the rainbow (and then some) some real unicorns are horse brown.
Their friends often make jokes about how they might be a horse. Just jokes, but it gets to them after a while.

Don't worry this one is clearly a horse.

O` What a Beautiful Morning!

Two unicorns enjoying a breakfast of badger that Tangerine caught.

Everyone is eager to share with the infamous rainbow unicorn.

Play Time Day Dream

This is a sample of my work so anyone that stumbles across onehorn.blogspot.com has something to look at while I get my act together. It features a unicorn with a scraggly beard dreaming about the fun he might have with his friends if only his beard was bigger.